More old stories from my old blog…..JUST TO BE CLEAR. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT ME WHEN I WAS 16. NOT AN ACCOUNT OF CURRENT EVENTS.
NOTE: I’m not actually a raver. i just had a phase when i was 16. why you ask? see sentence #2
i remember falling asleep under the table at raves. you’d be on Robitussin, and i’d be there just cause I wanted to see you. maybe i pretended that i was going there on my own and didn’t know that you were gonna be there. maybe i got lucky this time and actually went with you. either way, you were in a white shirt. with buttons. and you’d be sweaty from dancing. and i’d be dying for you to pay attention to me. you probably smiled at me at some point, and that made me feel like maybe if i stayed just a little longer i’d get another look. or something more. it wouldn’t happen and i’d fall asleep under the table in the office i found. the thumping music would stop and i would wake up abruptly wondering where i was and where you were. maybe you came in and found me. or maybe Julia did. Either way I think we rode home together, and you did some more strategic ignoring of me. like you cared, cause you thought i was desperate, and why was i sleeping under the table and stuff, and probably i confused this for actual caring.
i also remember the time in the woods. also a rave. somehow there was a bottle of Goldschlager. I got wasted. I lost my cell phone. I almost fell into the fire. several times. your friend had to keep rushing in to catch me before I went up in flames. I didn’t know this at the time. I found out the next day. so did my parents. Not about the fire, but about the whole saying i was going one place, but actually i was at a rave in the woods and what not. It’s cause they called me or something. i know the lost cell phone had something to do with my plan going to shit. i know kate was with me. I think I got you to fuck me on the floor of the forest. I remember the feeling of success and pine needles sticking to the backs of my knees. I remember the desperation, the apathy. again i confused this with you caring about me. i think that night you also let me sleep in your sleeping bag with you. i think you felt bad for me because you knew i was wasted and was only there to see you and you had just fucked me and i didn’t have a sleeping bag and all. in the morning i don’t remember much. but i’m guessing you were irritated, and i was hungover. i had a black shirt on and i had crusted mascara around my eyes and bits of the underbrush in my hair and underpants.
The time you told me you loved me I was, yup, you guessed it, at a rave. i was on drugs. i thought it was e that we bought, but apparently no. i was sinking into the floor and i told you i loved you and you said nothing. wine and feathers were flying through the air and i was clinging to your long body for stability. after the parade of feathers and people in weird outfits had passed you told me you loved me and my heart did something really weird.
xoxox
Princess Donna